In case you didn’t know, I’m British, and I’m the only foreigner elected in Lithuania.

I’m a City Councillor in the capital city, Vilnius, since 2015.

I have been living here since Lithuania joined the EU in 2004.

I am grateful to Lithuanians for opening up to Europe and allowing me to live and work in their country.

I like Europe. I’m European.

I voted against Brexit, because obviously I see the benefits of the freedoms of the EU, and I don’t really see a problem if an international treaty forces a country to respect human rights. Stuff like that is fine by me.

The UK is stupid for believing Farage’s bullshit and voting to leave.

But “the people have spoken”, and the fact that the majority of them wanted to stay in, or didn’t care, or had their brains warped by lies written on a bus, doesn’t matter.

Apparently everyone’s just given up and accepted it as inevitable, which is totally lame. British people, seriously, where’s your goddamn spine?

You can’t leave the EU properly, and you can’t stay in it properly either. Because you’re pathetic.

Brexit basically made me stop feeling British, because it’s clear that the British don’t know what that is any more. And maybe it totally doesn’t matter. Honestly, who gives a shit what “Britain” is or what a vicar’s daughter thinks are “our values”.

Apparently “our values” are veiled racism and a desperate longing for a glorious past that didn’t even happen.

As the great Doug Stanhope said:

Nationalism does nothing but teach you to hate people you never met, and to take pride in accomplishments you had no part in.”

When I heard about the general election I was immediately struck by apathy. Theresa’s a terribly out-of-touch homophobic nationalist, and Corbyn’s been pro-Russia for years, his team is all loony left, this is a total disaster.

I joined the LibDems as a protest against Brexit, but they screwed up their campaign so much I can’t really be bothered to vote for their lacklustre leader or open their annoying fundraising emails.

Most irritating copywriting ever

I am a legend. Tim, thank you so much.

So what do I do? Not vote?

Normally I tell people YOU MUST VOTE, YOUR GRANDFATHERS DIED FOR YOUR RIGHT TO VOTE. I think that’s true, and I should probably vote for the “least bad candidate”. But they’re all bad.

I have to choose between a nationalist, a nationalsocialist, and a soggy biscuit who is such an idiot he already declared he wouldn’t form a coalition with anybody.

Normally people say “if (insert party here) wins, I’ll emigrate!”

But I’ve already done that.


My constituency (the place I was last registered in the UK) is Beckenham, which has been 90% Tory since the beginning of democracy. So my vote definitely wouldn’t change anything. I have that excuse.

But still, I want to take part. I am not the kind of person who stays in bed and doesn’t give a shit about his vote. I give a shit.

Then I remembered that it was pretty cool when some Russians were defacing their voting cards with PUTIN XUJLO and pictures of dicks.

But that seems too immature.

It would be fun, but also immature. I wanted to do something meaningful, something positive, something that would cheer me up, something that would encapsulate my feelings about the tragedy called the United Kingdom.

So I asked a Lithuanian to draw a unicorn on my voting card.

This isn’t very crazy, compared to the idea of giving Corbyn control of nuclear weapons.

The artist is Asta Ostrovskaja, one of the creative people who make Vilnius a great place to live. People like her make me feel optimistic. Blindly optimistic.

The brief I gave her was: “Instead of anger, I want hopeless happiness and a brave, useless last stand against Brexit.”

I’m framing it and hanging it on my wall. I will remember this ridiculous period in history forever, if we survive it.

I believe in EUnicorns.

I’m not voting. I don’t even pay tax there any more. If you push this nonsense too far, I’ll renounce British citizenship, become Lithuanian, and stay European. I don’t recognise my “birthplace” any more and I think you’re all doing it wrong. Please stop doing it wrong.

Love from Vilnius, Lithuania.